Friday, November 9, 2012

New


Linking up with Write on Edge today!




This week their prompt is on something new.

Excerpt from The Last Scribe, my fantasy novel.
 
Word count: 300
Ó Pure Grace


Mikailah’s jaw is dropped open. But I am done. I jerk my pack over my shoulders and take off through the prairie grass. She and Kiar scramble around the campsite, shoving the last of our belongings into Kiar’s bag and running after me.
“Breem! Breem, stop!” Mikailah shouts, but I ignore her. It is a new emotion, this anger. I don’t think I like it, but I can’t help it. It courses through my veins like a red-hot iron, changing everything it touches. I am stiff and even my muscles ache. I can’t control it. I feel fake, plastic ~ made.
This is me. Nothing. Nobody. A boy with no identity.
Can I ever change?
They catch me before ten minutes is up, but whether by joined consensus or not, neither of them speak. Maybe they don’t know what to say, or maybe they are just afraid to speak, but I am not going to change their minds. For once, I wish I could. I wish I could say something more, something to change what I said. I have never before been able to speak my mind so clearly, to tell others how I feel. It feels strange to have communicated my heart, wrong, somehow, like I have betrayed something. I can’t make sense of why. So I pretend it is not there and keep walking, back straight, head forward. It won’t matter what happened in a few days anyway. I will be leaving them. And they will be glad. Everyone is always glad when I leave.
Well, let it be so.
But, for the first time, I don’t want that to be true. It is funny, this new longing stirring in my chest, brought on by the anger. I don’t know if I like it or not. I can’t make sense of it. But it makes me wish they want me. It makes me wish they care.


Pinned Image
 
 


18 comments:

  1. I love your first-person, present tense approach. A lot of power and charged with feelings. So much story packed into those few words. Well done.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much! It is tons of fun to write! Yay! I'm glad it came across well! I appreciate it!

      Delete
  2. Much as I've tried to do the first-person, present tense style, I cannot do it! I usually end up going from 'he shouts' to, 'I sighed' and that will never do, will it? ;)

    That was a really, really good snippet. I liked the descriptions. :D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha!! This is my first "real" attempt. I've had a few scatterbrained adventures before that always ended up in a "I will go do that" and "I am doing this" kind of a feel that really stunk. But I'm enjoying it so far!

      Thank you!!!!

      Delete
  3. How do you keep doing it? That's the real question. ;) My favourite line: "It makes me wish they care." OH WOW. Make me cry.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LOL! Hard work. *_*
      Oh, yes! I love that line! I was sucking in tears when I wrote it. (Well, you know what I mean... :D)

      Delete
  4. I like the reveal of anger being a new emotion. It implies this person is usually very even-headed, but this situation is much more intense than usual.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am so glad that was clear! It is a little hard, when all you do is plug a random snippet up on the blog, to portray things like that, but I'm glad it was easy to see that!!! Thanks for the comment!

      Delete
  5. I like how he acknowledges the newness of the anger, and the way it makes him wish for other feelings from others.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for commenting! It makes me glad to hear that the snippet made sense and wasn't just a bunch of whatnot!! :D

      Delete
  6. I liked the mystery of his feelings, his identity. Great hook!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks! I'm glad that came across well! :D Thank you for commenting!

      Delete
  7. Awww, poor Breem! I love the way you've managed to mix in the pathos and the sadness of his situation without being too over-the-top - very well done!

    May I hug your character? Please?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know.... :( Thank you! That means a lot to me! Especially coming from you. :D

      As long as you don't mind if he says no. He doesn't like to show his emotions too much. Mostly keeps them locked up inside. We are rather privileged, because we are, well, "inside" him. ;)

      Delete
  8. Huh... a really interesting character! I think we all love it when we give it to anger, but then feel a little regret afterwards.

    Definitely makes me want to read more!


    - barbara @ de rebus
    www(dot)barbaragildea(dot)com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, I agree. That section spurted from a surge of emotion I myself was going through...and it sort of played out the same too. So, it's as realistic as I could make it. :D

      Thank you for commenting! I LOVE reading everyones' thoughts!

      Delete
  9. Interesting introduction to the story.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, it's actually not the introduction, but thanks!

      Delete